Kids?!?!?!

*WARNING* LONG POST!!!!

I have a lot of posts I need to do, but this is one I want to do. :)
It's interesting how the closer Warren gets to 1, the more "Are you having more kids..." questions I get. So I thought I would write this out, mainly for me so I don't forget everything but also for those that might want to know. :)

To start, I can't remember how old I was but I decided at a young age I wanted 6 kids. Not sure why, I think at the time I wanted even numbers and 4 seemed too small and 6 was the next jump....8 seems too big. LOL I had it all planned out in my mind. I would marry, wait a year then start a family. We would first have a boy (I know what was I thinking a girl would be nice for babysitting, hahaha) then when that little boy turned one we would try for a girl (yes I am a bit of a control freak.) They would be close in age (under to just over 2 years apart.) We would then wait 2-3 years and have 2 more close in age, wait again for 2-3 years and finish with two more. The other stipulation was that there would be twins at some point. I always wanted twins, I had younger girl cousins (they were actually my cousins cousins but we were all raised as cousins) and I loved those two cute twins. I always thought girl twins would be super fun and cute. But then after I got married I secretly hoped for boy twins because Davis told me I couldn't name kids after the "twins" Scott and Trevor unless I used both their names, lame!!! I digress......So when Davis and I got married my plan first got altered....never to be the same again. SAD :( At our interviews with our stake presidents they all strongly encouraged us to "not put off a family." I smiled and nodded but inside thought, "We are waiting a year. Who are you to tell us not to put off a family?" Then at our sealing, let's just say I don't remember much of that day but I do remember the sealer (Davis' grandfather) kept mentioning not to put our family off. (smile and nod) I also remember thinking, "Of-course he's going to say that he has about a dozen kids." I didn't think much about it until we were on our honeymoon. It's funny how I remember this but we were in an Albertson's getting some food and just happened to walk down the aisle that had baby stuff, diapers, bottles, etc. All of a sudden Davis said something like, "Man, so glad we don't have to worry about that for a long time." Let's just say I started to cry, I'm sure my new husband thought "what did I just get married too?!?!" We left the store and I honestly had no idea why I was crying. After a little bit I just said, "I feel really strongly like we should start a family, but I don't want to. I want to wait a year." He patted my leg and we went about the week, not talking about it again. Off and on I would just get a strong feeling that we shouldn't put our family off....it kind of sucked. Just days away from needing to fill my prescription, we were getting gas (funny how I remember exactly where we were) Davis popped his head in the car and said, "I've been praying about it and I think we should start our family." groan, I spent the next 9 months throwing up. We were married the end of September and Tanner came in July 3 weeks early. I still to this day do not understand why my plan had to change, but I am happy we have Tanner.

So, to try to keep as much to the original plan as possible around Tanner's first birthday we started trying again. Let's just say this was the 2nd largest trial in my life. As we were trying I had my 3rd largest trial and then got pregnant after 18 months (what felt like FOREVER!) I found out on Valentine's Day, how fun!!!! My hopes were for a girl, but at this point I didn't care. I had started to realize that my "plan" was futile and that I didn't have much control over this phase of my life. To say I was accepting of this would be a big fat lie!!!! Just so you know.
Well to make a long story short, my girl came in September, 6 weeks early and definitely was the largest trial in my life. At this point I was pretty hopeless and realized we might not ever have any more kids. But I followed the spirit and we decided to take foster care classes, something I was scared to death to do. In June we got a huge blessing but also a huge trial. Angel came to live with us and we weren't sure if we would be able to keep her. The exact same day we picked her up I started my period...it just so happened that my doctor had "accidentally" double filled my clomid and I had another month sitting on the counter. Davis and I talked and decided that it wouldn't hurt to try it again (it hadn't worked up to this point) and that we might as well keep trying since we had no idea if this little girl would stay with us. Another long story short Matthew came 5 weeks early, putting him and "Angel" 9 months and one week apart. We adopted that little angel 6 months later and now call her Adylin. (Tanner was almost 5 when Matt was born.) Let's just say my life was super overwhelmed at the time. Oh I do have to go back a few steps. At some point before I got pregnant with Matt I had a nightmare I will never forget. I dreamed that there was another headstone under Addison's and it was a boy. This dream haunted me for a long time. I got pregnant with Matt and was convinced he was a girl. After we found out he was a boy I was a wreck. I had a strong feeling that he would have a rough start but this little boy would be okay. And for those that know Matt's story....amen! This dream still haunted me and with two kids 9 months apart I decided we were done. 3 kids was fine. This never sat well with me but I didn't know what else to do. After sometime I came to the conclusion (and after lots of healing from Addison's death) I realized we were grateful she was apart of our family and I KNEW she was meant to be apart of our family. I also KNEW that Adylin and Matt were to be apart of our family and that there was no other way to do what had to be done. So after lots of prayer and talk, Davis and I decided that if more children were to be apart of our family we would do it, even if it meant they might not be here for long. We decided that we wouldn't "prevent" until we knew our family was complete. Soon after that, we got pregnant and then found out it was a boy. Just because I came to a "conclusion", didn't mean this was an easy trial. I refused to name that little boy. I still remember being at my mother in laws house and she showed me the stocking she was working on for "boy" she asked if we had chosen a name (he was due in about a month)...nope! We had an idea but I wasn't committing yet. Around that time I had a feeling that we could name this little boy and that he was going to be ok. He came 3 weeks early and we named him Bennett. Oh how we love having Bennett in our home. Not long after Bennett turned one we were pregnant again, I was scared. I secretly hoped it was a girl. Davis and I had decided if we got a girl that we woud be done. We also decided that we wouldn't find out gender until birth. I knew in my heart it was a boy. I had two names, I know it's sad but I had a name that I really liked but I would only use it if the boy didn't live. So we had this baby 3 weeks early, rough delivery and when the doctor said, "It's a boy!" I turned to Davis and said, "You know this means one more." LOL But, I still had a hard time naming him. They took him away and after hours and hours I finally asked when I was going to see him. They eventually told me that he was really sick and they were having to send him to the NICU. I felt sucker punched. They brought him in for a moment and we decided to give him a blessing but we needed to choose a name. I didn't know if he would make it through the night (that's what they told us) so we finally decided to name him the non-dead name :) And that's how we got our Warren. Funny side note we were trying to decide on a middle name and Davis' brother Jeff was there (we always name after family, especially siblings) Davis finally said, "Sorry we can't name him after you Jeff, it would be Warren Jeff....." LOL not gonna happen.

So long post end..... The "plan" is for one more, but I am VERY torn right now about it. I want another one hoping for a girl, but since we aren't very good in the girl department and we've moved to a much smaller house, I logically thing we should be done, but my heart isn't convinced. So will we have another, not 100% sure. We aren't trying but we aren't using any GOOD prevention either. I've considered getting an IUD, but I have my fears about that too. Not going to post about that. So for now we are in limbo unsure of what to do and not feeling strongly one way or the other. So that's that for now.