The Year Has Ended....

And I still can't get good at updating this thing.  Oh well!  2012 definitely had it's ups and downs.  I am so glad I posted all the ups and can go back and look at them.  I all too often remember and focus on the hard times that I have a hard time recognizing the good times.  One goal this year is to continue to keep track of the good things.  I need to focus more on those and less on the hard stuff. 
THIS IS A LONG POST AND MORE FOR ME THAN ANYONE ELSE!!!!!
With that said I've learned a lot this year.  Or at least I hope I have.  A few weeks ago I had an emotional "freak out".  One tiny thing caused it....and it took me quite a few days to rebound from it.  It was around the first of the year and because of my anger and frustration I decided to make a list of all the things I was struggling with or not good at.  The list was quite extensive.  I was feeling terrible and no I didn't make a list of the things I was good at.  At the time I felt there was nothing.  This breakdown happened on a Sunday and the following day I made the trek up to Mindy's to babysit her kids and I ended up spending the whole day there.  It was lovely.  I was abe to vent and talk things out.  She was the best listener.  I left feeling great but soon felt terrible that I vented the whole time.  I texted her and she reassured me that it was a great day!  The next day I had a therapy appointment (yes I broke down and started therapy a few months back)....it wasn't the best appointment.  I was still really struggling with my "freak out". She gave me a few suggestions and we worked on some stuff, I left not being too happy about the session.  The following Saturday Mindy and her family came for games.  AWESOME!!!!  Love it, I look forward to these days so much.  I was feeling better but still confused and frustrated.  I know so often that people are brought into your life for a purpose and Mike and Mindy are truly some of those people (Mike is Davis' cousin but they lived far from each other and never had much of a connection.  For some odd reason I blog stalked Mindy like crazy while they lived in Texas so when they moved back to Utah we were fast friends.)  Just as Mindy was leaving she handed me a book.  I was actually pretty excited to read it.  The next day I sat down and read almost half of it....given it's a super short book, maybe only 50 pages.  After reading the first half I wasn't blown away.  It was a good book, but nothing earth shattering.  The next week....my kids had been off track for quite some time and they were entertaining themselves quite nicely.  I decided to do some "homework" from therapy so I grabbed my papers (talks she had asked me to print off) the book from Mindy and a few other things, scriptures, random stuff.  I locked myself in my room (Warren was asleep so I thought I was good.  I only got interrupted twice it was a miracle.)  I started with the talks.  Nothing was "feel" worthy.  It was good just maybe not what I was looking for or needing at the time.  I decided to pick up the book from Mindy again thinking I would just finish it so I could get it back to her.  Let's just say I cried for 3 hours.  When I finally got control of my emotions and could think straight I figured out I had no idea why I was crying and what had touched me so much.  I went about my day and eventually even texted Mindy and said, "I finished the book and cried for 3 hours, though I'm not quite sure why."  About this time the kids were in bed and I decided to talk it out with Davis.  I actually talked it out with a few diffferent people the following week or so.  I want to put down here some of the things I learned.  The book is called, "When your prayers seem unanswered." by S. Michael Wilcox.  I actually wasn't super thrilled with the title since I'd read many books about prayer and was still frustrated.  This wasn't so much about prayer to me as it was other things.  The first pointer, I won't go in book order per say.  But it talks about holding places in your heart.  He mentions that sometimes things happen and life happens and we don't feel like we are getting anywhere.  No matter how fervent our prayers, no matter how much scripture study/reading, talking it out you do, the "answer" can't come until there is a place in your heart for it.  At first I was bugged.  I felt like the place should just be there and that the Lord could put it there and find a place for it.  He then went on to describe that sometimes we need "life's experiences" and time to pass for that place to be carved out.  I had complained to Davis just recently (part of the freak out) that it felt like no mattter how hard I tried, no matter how much "work" I put into it, it always felt like there were never any answers or ends to the trials I was facing.  Yes they had moments of end to them but they never truly ended.  The book then gave a personal story.  I am grateful for "this" personal story since so many times I hear stories of trials and the end is "in sight".  This trial for him started at age 14 and didn't end until 20 years later.  Now that is my kind of trial.  I finally understood that sometimes you aren't ready for the answer.  Not until after certain things happen in life to prepare a way for the answers...until then you can't fully understand them.  GENIUS!  The next part was even more profound for me.  I really struggle with being positive and seeing the good.  I've gotten to the point where I don't have hopes and dreams anymore.  The reality is all the hopes and dreams I have ever had have never come to be or I get the complete opposite of what I was hoping and dreaming for.  My friend recently asked me what I wanted in life and I honestly told her that I didn't know anymore.  I explained my reasoning and I don't remember what she said.  I think it was a carving place moment in my heart though.  So his chapter on stone and bread talks about how the Lord only gives us bread, never stones.  I didn't neccesarily agree in the begining.  As I read on and listened to his personal stories and reasoning, I finally understood.  I will quickly quote from the book, "There are times in our lives when I think the Lord says, "I gave you bread, but it wasn't the kind of bread you wanted and because you keep thinking about the kind of bread you wanted you've turned my bread into a stone.  I gave you a fish, but it wasn't the flavor or fish you wanted, and you've turned it into a serpent.  Or I gave you an egg, but I cooked it differently from how you ordered it, and you think I'd given you a scorpion."  He then speaks of two kinds of goods, the expected good and the given good.  He emphasizes that God ONLY gives GOOD!  I had to step back and look at the "good" God has given me and it was so easy to turn it into stone or a serpent.  Yet when I look back I can start to see that it is good, not the expected good, but still good.  The last part I want to mention (don't get me wrong there is a lot in this book) is the Poorest Soil.  He talks about a womens conference he went to and he heard a woman ask a series of questions like "Why did my life not turn out like I thought it would." "Why does it seem that everything in my life goes wrong?" "I get trial after trial and, yet, when I look at other sisters, their lives seem to be going smoothly.  How come my life can't go smoothly like their lives?  I recognize that I don't know all they are going through and yet, so many of my expectations have failed to appear yet some of my worst fears have come. Why?"  I was SUPER excited to read this chapter.  I had recently been frustrated with a close friend....I really love and respect her so when she said this I was pretty irritated (don't get me wrong, there is more to what she said than I will write but this part really impacted me.  It truly was a carving spot.)  She mentioned how truly blessed she had been, how the trials she had faced in life were small and seemingly easy.  She then said, "She felt that the Lord loved her more than those whose lives were full of hard trials."  (She did know this was not true and she explained things better but that's not what I heard and felt.)  I also had a close friend tell me the if I only had a better attitude that my life would be better.  That the reason my life was so full of trials was because I was so angry and pessimistic.  This too I stewed on for many weeks.  It was super hard not to compare our lives and see how she had truly been blessed in a certain trial, when I went through a very similar trial the outcome was not full of blessings.  It was full of heartache and I truly wondered if the outcome would've been different if I'd had a more positive look at it.  I also had spent way too many hours thinking about the blessings in others lives and seeing the heartache in my own.  Back to the book.  He also comments about how his life has turned out better than he had anticipated and that he had been blessed so much.  He even says, "God has been so kind to me."  He then said he wondered about the fairness of life and wondered with a twinge of guilt why some people go through such difficult trials, yet others seem to have such a good life.  He then goes on to talk about the parable of the vineyard, where the Lord plants different branches in different places.  He then nourishes them and in the end the harvest proves different results.  He says of one branch, it was planted in the poorest spot in all the land of the vineyard and the servant asks "why"....just as I have often wondered, why I was planted in a poor spot, why I have had to go through such difficult trials.  The Lord says, "I knew that it was a poor spot of ground."  He knows your situation in life.  He then says (and this is all in Jacob 5) "I know it's a poor spot, so I have nourished it a long time.  I have not left you to fare as best you can in a difficult situation" much nourishing has been going on, much of it in ways that are challenging for a mortal to understand.  He then says, "Thou beholdest that it hath brought forth much fruit" even in the poorest spots of ground, good fruit can be produced.  It goes on to say, "Look hither; behold I have planted another branch of the tree also; and thou knowest that this spot was poorer than the first."  A reminder that there are others in even poorer situations than ourselves.  "But behold I have nourished it this long time and it hath brought forth much fruit" and then last but not least "Look hither, and behold, this have I planted in a good spot of ground.  I have nourished it this long time, and only a part of the tree hath brought forth tame fruit and the other part hath brought forth wild fruit.  I have nourished this like unto the others."  He then says something profound, "It isn't the spot of ground we're planted in that matters: it's how we respond to the Lord's nourishing.  The poorest of poor spots can bring forth some of the sweetest fruits.  We must believe this or else we will allow our circumstances and environment to determine our lives and the quality of our souls.  Back to this sweet sister....she ends by saying she went to hear a lady speak about her HUGE trials in life and in the end she felt jealous of this woman and her trials.  She realized that through her trials she had become so much closer to the Savior.  We all know people in life that have been planted in the poor soil and others planted in the good.  We also know how many in both catergories bring forth good fruit.  I know that Heavenly Father puts us in certain circumstances and allows certain trials in life to happen to each and everyone of us.  He does this because He knows and loves us.  Life is not fair and equal.  But if we allow the nourishing of the Lord we will bring forth good fruit.  What one person needs to succeed is different from what someone else needs to succeed.
I love what I learned from this book.  I almost don't want to give it back.  Maybe I can find a copy for myself.  I have to say this last year had been full of moments where my heart has been prepared.  Lots of little things have added up for the one moment that I read this book.  I don't have many of the answers I have been seeking but I have newfound hope.  I have understanding that wasn't there before.  I will continue in patience and I will work on being more positive and not turning my bread into stones.