Confessions of a Pessimist

So I have heard a lot, "Have you decided yet what to name the baby?" WELL?!?!?! Not really! Okay, that's not the whole truth and anyone that knows me knows I can't sit around long with out thinking about this. With Tanner, we had a name picked out for a boy and girl from conception. We did change the boy name at one point, but that's another story. When we got pregnant with Addison, I figured we'd wait until we knew what it was since we all ready had the girl name from Tanner. Luck had it we had a girl and there was no doubt in my mind what her name would be. Okay actually we also loved the name Adylin but were unsure of how to spell it so we kept Addison. When we got "Angel" from foster care it didn't take long to fall in love and want to name her. I knew we would never call her Angel (for a LOT of reasons.) I was still in love of the name Adylin, but had no idea how to spell it. All of a sudden one day I was watching a tv show and the credits rolled the name Madylin and I jumped up with so much excitement!!! From that day forward she was Adylin in our minds. Now with Matthew, I was so convinced he was supposed to be a girl (maybe because I wanted so bad to be pregnant with another girl and "prove" I could give birth to a living breathing little girl...yes, I am crazy...deal with it!) Well, Tanner from day one said, "Nope Mom, it's a brother and his name is Matthew." I remember at the time thinking, "Poor Tanner thinks it's a boy." I also remember thinking, "I don't LOVE the name Matthew, so even if it's a boy it won't be Matthew." But, I again waited to find out gender before thinking too much about it. At 16 weeks they did an u/s and said they thought it was a girl. I was thrilled! We then took Tanner to the 20 week u/s to show him it was a girl, and it was a BOY! He just said, "I told you so, his name is Matthew." I wasn't convinced it was Matthew or a boy and the next 10 u/s I asked them to make sure nothing "fell off!" LOL Well, I'm not sure when we decided, but Matthew just stuck and now I know he's a Matthew. So on to this one. I knew from the beginning it was a boy (not sure why, I just knew.) I also had a bad feeling from the beginning and every appointment expected them not to find a heartbeat (not sure why.) Even after finding out it was a boy I couldn't get "connected". So we decided to think of a name. I thought maybe if I named him I could "connect" and feel better about the pregnancy. We'd talked a lot about the name Bennett but I just couldn't commit to it. Mostly because I was a little disappointed for a while that we "wasted" my name for Addison. (I got over that, kind-of, I still get a bit of a sad prick when I hear the name.) So for a long time it was between Bennett and Colton. I basically had decided if the baby dies, we'll name him Colton, if he lives Bennett. I know PATHETIC! I also convinced myself if I got to 30 weeks that he would be okay and we'd name him Bennett. Well, 30 has come and gone (I am 32 weeks 3 days today.) and I have tried connecting and calling him Bennett, but it isn't working. I don't know if I am just completely pessemistic, crazy or what. So, when you wonder if we've named the baby, the answer is still "NO!" Not sure why, but I just can't get into this one. There is a HIGE chance he will be Bennett, but who knows at this point. I've decided not to worry about it, I can name him in the hospital. Though I did have a dream that we were at church and Davis went to bless the baby and he turns to me and says, "So, have you decided on a name YET?!?!?!" LOL I don't think it'll come to that......
But, I do love the name suggestions, who knows, something might stick...but no, he won't be named Pocohontas...Jarom!!!!
So that's my baby post for the day. I go to the dr for my 32 week appointment today. It is a long grueling one with u/s and nst's and the works. Oh joy! I also start going every 2 weeks for the same stuff...we're talking 2-3 hour appointments if all goes well. Got any good book suggestions?!?!!? Also, as you might know I went into labor with Matthew at 35 weeks less than 3 weeks from now, but I still can't get myself to pack for the hospital or pull any baby stuff out. I wasn't this bad with Matthew, what's my deal?