I was blog hoping a little while ago and happened upon the blog of a girl whose little boy Tate had just been born and passed. I reached out to her and she accepted the hand. She joined Share (the organization I get on to find support for the loss of Addison.) WELL, she just posted on her blog something very familiar on SHARE and it made me wish I would've had a blog like this to post on after Addison died. But I also feel it's never to late to inform those around me about how I feel. I know how difficult it is to understand the loss of a child when you have never experienced it. I learned this just days after Addison passed and I recalled two people that I knew that had early losses and I brushed them off, not thinking they were important at the time. So, my post on what I wish everyone knew....
I wish everyone knew that this hurt never goes away. We still need support, and I still need to hear Addison's name. Now, even more than before, I NEED to have her life validated.
I wish everyone knew ....that even though Addison’s death was the most painful experience of my life, I am grateful for the pain, and I would still choose to have her even knowing that it would end the same....and I would give anything to cuddle her in my arms again, if only for a brief moment.
I wish everyone knew... that my heart leaps with joy every time someone asks me about my Addison.
I wish everyone knew that a baby's age or size at birth or death does not determine how much of a person he/she was or how much she will be loved or missed.
I wish everyone knew that an early miscarriage and/or losing a tiny baby is just as difficult and painful as losing any other child.
I wish everyone knew how much I need to talk about Addison, and how happy it makes me when someone asks about her.
I wish everyone knew how important it is to me and my family to remember her birthday and join us in celebrating.
I wish everyone knew the struggle that I go through everyday to answer the simplest questions, like: How many children do you have?
I wish everyone knew it is ok to talk about my loss, that I think of Addison all the time, and that I have completely changed because of her.
I wish everyone knew how much I love and miss my little girl and how much I need to talk about her and remember her.
I wish everyone knew what it felt like to hold her, still, perfect, breathtaking and have to leave her.
I wish everyone knew what it felt like to long for just 1 more second with their baby. Maybe then they could truly cherish all the billions of seconds they get with theirs.
I wish everyone knew that us mommies who lose our babies carry them with us everywhere we go...for the rest of our lives...and to say we are changed...is putting it rather lightly.
I wish everyone knew that even though I can smile and go to work and "function" like everyone else, I'm not like everyone else.
I wish everyone knew that even if you don't know what to say to me, saying nothing at all is more painful than you can imagine. Ignoring me and never speaking to me again because it makes you uncomfortable to be around me is worse than being uncomfortable or saying the wrong thing.
I just needed to share this with all of you. I pray none of you have to go through the hurt we went through when we lost Addison, but maybe if you encounter someone with a loss, you can remember this is how it is for us and maybe give us a break once in awhile.
6 years ago
6 comments:
I know that I won't ever understand what you are going through unless I experience something similar. Even when I had my misscairage even though it wasn't full term it was one of the hardest things Russ and I have had to go through. I am sure the pain is x1000 in your case. I am glad that Russ and I were able to be there at the hospital when Addison died.
I haven't wanted to bring up Addison's name because I just thought it would be more painful. I hope you know that I am always around if you want to talk. Russ and I are glad that we have you and Davis as friends.
love ya,
Amy
This is a really beautiful post, Holly. Thank you.
Holly, I understand too! Much love, Missy
Holly,
What a blessing you have been to me. Thank you for reaching out to me in my time of need. For checking in on me and giving me a life line through the SHARE program and your friendship. It means the world to me. How I miss my little Tate as I know you miss your little Addison, but we will be with them again someday. I know it and so do you. What a blessing that is for us.
A friend forwarded this post to my email and I had to comment. I don't know what your situation is, but we lost our little boy, Andrew, to SIDS on July 13, 2007. You say it perfectly. I have come to hate the 'easy' question of how many kids do you have! Your children are beautiful...all four of them!
Amanda Sherwood
Lawrenceville, NJ
Holly this is Anna (Joe's wife). I just found your blog today through Amy's and I'm so glad I did. I loved this post, it was so moving fo me. Joe has told me about Addison several times (so know that other people remember her too). I have never brought her up because I thought it would be so painful to talk about her, but next time we are in Utah I would love to hear about her, from you. A very good friend of mine had a miscarraige a year and a half ago and I didn't know what to do for her either except pray. I'm so glad I read your post, it helped me understand what to do when I meet people who have been through what she went through and what you have experienced. You're a wonderful mother and your post really reflects how much you've grown through this experience. Thank heavens for eternal families and the opportunitity you'll have to be with her again.
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